


Revenge of the Twinkies,  Holtzbert Week 2018

by ddaybluedevil



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Holtzbert Week, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I had taco bell and it was glorious, It’s craic, Some Plot, a deadly combo if you ask me, and edited, anyway holtzbert yeah?, woo Holtzbert, written with taco bell and taurine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-07 11:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15218213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddaybluedevil/pseuds/ddaybluedevil
Summary: It's that time of year again! Can you smell the Taurine in the air? It’s time to see what caffeine addiction can do to Holtzbert.It's time for Holtzbert Week and that can mean only one thing: HOLTZBERT CONTENT. Sorry, I'm amped on Electric Monkey energy drinkz.





	1. Her Side of the Sleeping Bag

**Author's Note:**

> Her Side of the Bed
> 
> Based off of these one shots that you can find here 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172359/chapters/27803202
> 
> and here
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172359/chapters/28752640
> 
> You don't have to read this but it helps to understand they’ve been dating for a long time now.

October 1969

_Her Side of the Bed_

_Just a little lovin'_

_When the world is yawin'_

_Makes you wake up feeling  
_

_Good things are coming your way_

_Dusty Springfield - Just A Little Lovin'  
_

 

 Erin wakes and looks at her in the early morning dew. She had been wearing a flower crown before they had went to sleep and she stared at her girlfriend’s side of the bed. Pack, boots, jackets, a few joints, some Pringles and a box of Twinkies. It was just so Holtzmann.

“How’s my babe doin this mornin'? You need a little lovin?” Holtz asked she slowly rose from the pile of blankets and looked out of the tent and back at her girlfriend, smiling. 

“I was just thinking.”

“Of me?”

“Of how wonderful this summer and fall has been for us. Woodstock was fun and so was this, camping in the Smoky Mountains. The photos,” Erin paused and motioned at her camera, “will last me for a lifetime.”

“I hope it’s more than just that. I’ve always loved you ever since I saw you at the first hop I went to.”

“When was that again?”

“It had to be 65’ or 66’. I went with Garett and we talked all night, he went talk to Patty for the rest of the night.”

“How has she been handling it?”

“Not well. Vietnam is such a mess and you heard about the draft dodger, Trump or was it Trumper?”

“No, we aren't going on a protest line and you aren’t ruining my early morning with talk of a blubbering fortunate son of a gun.”

“Okay, seriously though you look gorgeous in that top.” Holtz said with a smile, "thank god for Patty."

Erin laid back onto the blankets and looked up at Holtz with a smile. Her lace shirt slipped a and Jillian took the opportunity to kiss her shoulder before fixing it back into place. The look on the brunette’s face was priceless and Holtz could only grin, from her mischief and she knew there would be some jamming later. 

“It’s amazing waking up next to you every morning. I don’t know how I could do it without you on the other side of the bed.” Jillian said as she laid down on Erin’s stomach and looked out of the tent, smiling, “you want to go hike down to the creek today?”

“I feel the same when I look at your side of the bed and see a stack of Twinkies piled high.” Erin replied and gave Jillian a peck, “I think hiking from Knoxville to Rockwood was a good idea.”

“I am full of those mama.”

"Don't be a candyass, Jill." Erin said with a smile chuckle as she got out of her sleeping bag and stretched, "we are going to the creek today." 

* * *

 

  It had taken them half the day to hike down and Erin’s hair looked perfect, not a hair out of place. Holtz had taken a few pictures as they meandered down the path and still could not believe the beauty that surrounded them, save for a mosquito that had been crushed by a Pringles can. 

“I’m going in, you are coming in?” Erin asked as she took a dip into the creek and Holtz stood near the creek.

“Can I sit down for a few?” She asked and leaned into the massive boulder, smirking. 

“Ok, Holtz. I’m swimming in this stream and you can just sulk.” Holtz could only smirk as she stayed on the shore and thought of how she was going to bring up what had come in the mail.

She had wanted to go on this hike for a selfish reason and that was to escape the reality. She sat down, opened her pack, and dug for the letter from her mother. Jillian folded the letter back up and stared up at the Rocky Mountains. It was hard to believe that her best friend besides Erin was so far away, Garett had been so dreary in his last letter. 

“You aren’t okay like you said. What’s wrong?” Erin asked as she walked up from the stream and sat next to her lover.

“It’s Garett. He pooped himself near a Vietnamese village and he's got a new nickname, Captain Plane Crash ” Jillian rambles and holds out, and Erin put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Wait, your not joking. I tho-you aren't joking. ” There was a heavy silence and Jillian looks up, her face is tear streaked.

Something is wrong. This isn't a normal joke between the two friends she had gone to college with,

“I chased Garett for so long and we both knew it wasn't right for us. I have been thinking about that night at the hop and all the time before that, so many years wasted. I kissed Garett at our prom, ya dig?” She took a breath, “we both knew and he didn’t stop me.”

“I did, yes when Garett told us about leaving for the war, wait a second you think our relationship is going to crumble due to a simple boy crush when you were sixteen?” Erin asked as she gently lifted Jillian’s chin up, “I’m going to kiss you.” Erin slowly bit the lower lip and moved in, cupping a breast soft and the image was overwhelming as Jillian leaned deeper in, moaning softly.

“Thank you for that.” Jillian whispered as they lay down by the creek “I’ve been thinking about something for you---ugh, don’t get my motor running just yet. C’mere, pass me the joint and remind me to get the gift out of the car later.”

“We need a photo, c’mon you can keep toking but give me a second.” Erin said as she rummages through Erin leapt up and grabbed the tripod for a picture.

The two waited for the small poof and Holtz could only grin as Erin dealt with the camera, groaning. 

"I won't know if that was the money shot or not. God, if only I had a developing kit out here with me." Erin said with a huff and sat down next to Jillian, "give it here." 

"Lump it. Hey, ten bucks says that photo ends up on a mantle and we have a kid who is going to ask about the joint." 

"Are we factoring in inflation or not?" Erin asked and Holtz sighed, "what?! I have a degree in math and you are not considering that I wouldn't take the bet." 

"Not at all." Holtz wheezes and coughs for a second or two as she steadies hereself on Erin's wet shoulder. 

"So?" Erin asks with some concern as Holtz holds onto her and then it clicks. 

"You went full math nerd." Holtz said as she chuckles at Erin. 

"It's a sine." 

* * *

October 2009   40 years later

“Hey Grandma, who is this?” Kevin asked one evening when his parents had gone on date night and decided he needed some time

“Well, her name was Jillian and we are in love.

“She looks cool. Is that a joint?” Erin took a deep sigh and wondered what his parents would think about him hearing the love story that had lasted for more than forty years.

“Grandma?” Kevin asked again

"Yes?" Erin said nervously as she looked at the picture on the mantle 

“Jillian, wait do you mean Aunt Magnolia? She was getting some Twinkies. I told her I had finshed my homework and didn't say a thing. 

"What was she doing with the Twinkie?" 

"I'll answer that!" Jillian said as she walked into the living room and gave her nephew a smile, "I was making a Twinkie sandwich with some Pringles. You wanna a bite?"

"I will answer that," Erin replied, "no."

"The photograph?"  

"What's the little stick she's holding?" 

"Babe." 

"I hate stoned you from 1969 so much right now." 

"I need ten bucks and you won't have to factor in the inflation rate, promise." Jillian said with a grin that made Erin and Kevin snort,"you'll also hate this. Selfie!" 

"It's $66.70, candyass stop that and Kevin," Erin hesitated as the boy giggled at the curse word, "don't repeat that." 

"Couch?" 

"Gamma Erin, it'd be wrong if Aunt Magnolia couldn't sleep on her side of the bed." 

The eight year old had a joint, no a point. 

"Okay, you can sleep in the bed with me." 


	2. Emergency Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2: Emergency Room 
> 
> Erin ends up in the emergency room after watching the World Cup with Holtzmann at a bar and gets hit in the face. Holtz takes her to the emergency room and this is what ends up happening? I'm living off of caffeine drinks and four hours of sleep a night, night.

_ I woke up this morning and fell out of bed _   
_ Trouble waiting to happen _   
_ Should've quit while I was ahead   
_

_ Warren Zevon   
  _

“What happened?” Abby asked as Holtzmann went over the story again as they sat in the lobby of the Emergency Room, tired that Erin had sustained another injury from soccer. 

 

“So, we are at the bar and the dude starts flirting with me and Erin is pissed. He has the nerve to buy me a drink and Erin is now livid.” Holtzmann continued as she sat on the tacky chair and looked up at Abby, smirking.

 

“That you were being hit on or that he bought you a drink?” Abby asked for clarification and pats Holtzmann on the back.

 

“Both.”

 

“Okay, so what happened? I was watching a new show on TV and they were investigating a murder mystery via psychics” Patty said as she walked in with her bag and groaned as she sat down next to Abby.

 

“I got hit on by a straight guy in a Panama polo.” Holtz said through a mouthful of Pringles and offered a handful to Patty.

 

“This warranted a trip to the ER how?” Patty asked with disbelief evident in her voice and sighed when she noticed no Erin.

 

“Panama scored a goal and Erin got hit in the head by this dude’s elbow when he went to raise his arms in jubilation.” She replied as Patty could only shake her head in pity at the situation.

 

“She cannot catch a break with you and soccer, can she?”

 

“It wasn’t my fault our intramural game got that heated between the NYPD. Kevin got excited and then threw that post at her.”

 

“I know, he was red carded and don’t remind me” Abby said as she sat down, “she’s the least athletic person I know, and did he say sorry?”

 

“No and he proceeded to flirt with me. I had a rainbow pin that said, ‘Xena Rules.’ I mean the dude had to get it right at some point?” Holtzmann asked as she looked at Abby and Patty who are nodding at this now. 

 

“I don’t like where this is going.”

 

“He tries to wrap his arm around me, Erin’s on the ground and you know what I do?”

 

“Bite him?” Patty asked with some nervousness, she didn’t know Holtzmann’s successful record of bar fights and punching that WBC protester at Pride a few years ago.

 

“Knock his head into the bar?” Abby asked calmly as she knew Holtz and Erin could both hold their own in a fight.

 

“Erin gets back and punches him in the face, orders a beer and here we are.”

 

“Erin is a fighting drunk, lemme tell ya. She once beat our neighborhood bully on nothing more than tequila and Suntory whiskey.” Abby paused as she saw Holtz’s face, “Erin’s the Johnny Knoxville of drunks, you are Lisa Kudrow, I’m Nancy Cartwright and Patty is Tiffany Haddish. Okay?”

 

“Who won?” Kevin asked as he tosses Holtzmann a sandwich and grins when she catches it.

 

“Kevin, buddy how did you get here.” Holtz asked as the man plops down beside her and smiles at her with his messenger bag full of sandwiches.

 

“Becky Turin.”

 

“Jillian.” Dr. Gorin said stiffly as she sits down next to Holtzmann and sighs, she wasn't even supposed to be in New York but she had wanted to surprise Jillian.

 

 “Dr. Gorin, hey, how are you and did he get you a Reuben?” Holtz asked with a smile and Gorin could only sigh, Jillian pats her on the back.

 

“Tired. I’m getting flashbacks to 2002 and you know what I mean.”

 

“Gilbert? Friends and family for Erin Gilbert?” The nurse called as she nodded when Holtz and Abby both stood, acknowledging them both as they walked over. 

* * *

 

“Erin are you okay?” Patty asked as they walked into the small room where Erin lay in a hospital bed and looked up at them  with a glassy stare as they walked in.

 

“Dr. Olthmann, I presume?” Erin said as Patty groans and Holtz gives her a sympathy pat on the back, it would be okay, the joke was so bad they knew it would be okay for Erin.

 

“Ladies, I was the attending on call, Dr. Barrett and if you look here,” the doctor said briskly as he put the x-ray up, “your friend here is very lucky. He only managed to fracture her nose. So, I will break it tonight, so it can fully heal in four to six weeks. I am very capable.”

 

“Erin, I’m sorry this ended so badly.” Holtz said as she rubs Erin's arm and looks at how bruised Erin's nose, it looked slightly better now after the first time.

 

“All of the times somebody tries to flirt with me and it ends up being for Oltz.” Erin said as she shoots her finger guns at them and Holtz sighed loudly.

 

“Dr. Barrett is slurred speech normal?” Holtzmann asked as she held Erin’s hand tightly as she looked up at the doctor. 

 

“Yes, we gave her a painkiller before we splinted the nose.” The doctor said briskly as she turns the corner and stands at the other end, "she will be like that for a week after so, no operating any heavy machinery." 

 

“Baby, baby, oh. Shawty with you, shawty with you, under the missile toes.!” Erin sang off key as she combined two of the worst songs known to man and this did not include Tom Jones.

 

Holtzmann smiles, “Babe you are on so many drugs right now, you shouldn’t try to move or say anything.”

 

Erin did a weird motion at the door as she climbed up the bed, clutching Holtz’s lapels and whispered, “I see dead people.”

 

“We are Ghostbusters, it’s part of the job--- shit.” Patty said and realized that there was indeed a ghost behind them.

 

“Jillian, what the hell is that?” Dr. Gorin said calmly as she pulled Kevin down as the ghost began to charge at them.

 

“On it.” Holtz replied, tossed one of the proton grenades in her pocket and rolled like a mini cannonball as Dr. Barrett let out a scream.

 

“Patty! No good, if it slimes Erin, no it’s just a bad idea.” Abby yelled as she charged the ghost with an empty IV stand and jumped ahead of Patty to take some of the slime damage.

 

Patty begrudgingly understood and covered Erin as the ghost exploded in a gory and ecto-tastic way. Abby ducked again as she dove on the floor and hit the wall, breaking her glasses upon impact.

 

“Seriously?” Dr. Barrett said as she glared at Holtzmann who looked at the walls that were now covered in ghost splooge.

 

“You should have seen us after our intramural soccer match against some of the NYPD and she had a concussion. I think Patty should have been goalie after all." Holtzmann replied with a grin as she held Erin's hand who looked up at her with a goofy grin.

 

“You want Erin out on the field with me, Abby, Bennie and Kevin, no way.” Patty said as she dripped with the goo, “no way. I’d rather football come home.”

 

“Sandwich?” Kevin asked as he sat on a small stool and Dr. Gorin took the sandwich from the secretary who beamed at her, she gave a weak smile. 

 

“Thank you.” She paused as she looked at Jillian and the others, then at the sandwich, “this is worse than 2002, Jillian and we thought Ronaldo was the worst thing that could happen.”

 

“Ladies, please. Your friend will be discharged tomorrow and all I ask is no serious movement for her for another five weeks. Her nose needs time to heal up.” Dr. Barrett said with stress clear in her voice as she steadied herself on Dr. Gorin’s shoulder and joined her in sitting.

 

“We will all take care of her, I can promise that.” Holtz replied as she gave her trademark salute and smirked, it was an understood by now.

 

“Holtzmann, we will not have a repeat of the BOO-FOR incident where you thought it necessary to put a proton bazooka near your crotch.”

 

Erin purred, “Proton bazooka, mmm I remember that and how your fingers danced like Michael Jackson.”

* * *

 

**4 Weeks Later**

“There’s always next year.” Erin said as she laid on the couch a week later from her hospital visit.

 

“I’m sorry babe. You have the worst track record with soccer and it seems we will never beat the cop precinct now.” Holtzmann said with a huff as she leaned against the table and stared at Erin.

 

“No way in hell, I refuse after the hell I went through with Kevin in the last game and that detective, Morelli who spiked me in the face.”

 

“It was for a good cause?” “Getting elbowed in the face?” Holtz sighed, “No, the charity match, look he didn’t mean it.”

 

“You guys decent?” Patty asked as she climbed up the stairs with an armful of American History books and a grin plastered on her face, it was time for her date night.

 

“Mostly, okay Patty I’m leaving, and you can deal with grumpy Erin.” Holtz shouts as she tries to slide by only to be stopped by Patty. 

 

“She’s only grumpy cause--- you know what, I’m not going to argue with debate club, Abby.” Patty yelled and glared at the two of them, “I have a date night with Garett.”

 

“Mr. Poopypants? Patty you’re a nine and he’s like a five, maybe four if we’re going by the Bristol-Meyers chart.” Holtz retorts with a snort and climbs above Erin, perching like Gollum over her precious.

 

“Can you guys stop with that? He only shits himself after seeing a T3 semi-anchored corporeal aggression and you guys, oh no.” Patty said as she stopped mid-sentence and realized what had happened, “No, therefore Abby gets Erin tonight, Holtzy. I’ve been around you guys too long.”

 

“Join us, join us.” Holtz said as she rocked back and forth, crouched above Erin and causing some concern by her fellow teammates and one concerned Kevin.

 

“Yo, Evil Dead shut up and go to Duane Reade for these.” Abby told Holtz as she waved her finger, “and you can make out with Erin in the lab AFTER she recovers, for say six months if you get back here in fifteen minutes.”

 

“Abby you have made the biggest mistake--- ,” Erin tried to warn Abby but was shushed by Patty who gave her a knowing smile, thank god for Patty.

 

“Love ya babe but I am so going to win that for us.” Holtz said as she dashed out the door and down the steps, grinning all the way and was ready to win the bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws the pile of energy drinks at my laptop as I am late on Day 3, 4, and 5 as online finals fell on the same week of Holtzbert Week.*


	3. That Was A Real Thing, right there.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another 60's era Holtzbert piece based off of the stand-up of Vaughn Meader and a big swing song by Louis Armsrong. Watch about five minutes of this and you'll see what I’m basing Holtz’s impression of JFK on from Vaughn Meader who was a famous impressionist and if you enjoy political standup or SNL, his is one you should look up. 
> 
> This is a YouTube clip of him going at it  
> from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35aO9GdOAZ0

_**Give me a kiss to build a dream on,** _  
_**and my imagination will thrive upon that kiss.** _  
_**Sweetheart, I ask no more than this:** _  
_**A kiss to build a dream on.** _

_Louis Armstrong, "A Kiss To Build A Dream On"_

* * *

1968

The four of them sat around Patty's small dorm and waited, they waited and prepped for the all night watch-in of _Petticoat Junction,_ choo-choo and it would take their minds off politics for the time being. 

 

“C’mon, Holtzmann your ass is grass if you don’t fix this damn tv?” Abby yelled as the blonde was still in the bathroom and most likely toking up. ‘

 

“All right, so we are doing this and anyone in the mood for nomination bingo?” Erin asked as she strolled in with some notebooks and looked at the radio, “Holtz, I’m here and you better fix this radio.”

 

“I swear, the power of Patty will compel you out the bathroom if you’re not out of the bathroom in the next ten minutes.” Patty threatened as she glared at the door and whispered to Erin, “I’m giving her five.”

 

“C’mon, Patty you would do that to a sister?” Holtz asked as she sauntered in her latest tie dye monstrosity of the week and grinned, she had made it herself and smirked as she sauntered over to the tv.

 

“I swear, just fix the tv. It’s Petticoat Junction re-runs and I told you, Erin, we are not,” Patty pauses for effect, “worrying about the election is not going to help anyone.”

 

“All right.” Erin replied as she sat down on the couch and waited, "At least put it on the radio?"

 

"All right." Abby said as she joined her friend on the sofa and smiled, it was hard to say no to Erin.

 

“Focus.” Patty said as she hovered over the TV and watched as Holtzy made progress as she fixes one of the tubes and hits it once, giving it the ole' Holtzmann razz and dazzle of fixing a broken part.

 

“I am.”

 

“No you have that ‘I want to kiss Erin’ look and if we miss this--- I will hurt you, I don’t get many nights being a grad student.” Patty said as she wagged her finger and glared as the Dead Head set to work on the TV. 

 

“Threat heard and understood, okay.” Holtz replied as she passed the joint to Erin who gave her a smile as she only halfway got up from the sofa 

 

“Lovebirds, Dead Head and Onassis can we please get the DNC on the radio? Ten minutes of it and then _Petticoat Junction_ the rest of the night, okay? ” Abby said with a hiss as Holtz could only grin, “no, no, you will not do that again. Bergan kicked you out class for doing it and Gorin yelled at you.”

 

“Jackie, dearest, I’ve got this real bad pain in my head brought on by Patty.” Holtz said as she covered her head and in one of the most awful JFK accents they had ever heard and could only sigh.

 

“Fix the damn radio, John.” Erin retorts in a high pitched voice as she mimicked Jackie O and caused her friends to groan at the attempt.

 

“That was a real thing, right there and by gosh we’ll hear about tonight.” Holtz said still imitating the dead president and Patty could only sigh.

 

“Cool it there on the accents skipper, we’ve a long night ahead of us.” Patty said as she jumped onto the sofa and looked at her friends

 

“I’ve got plenty of turning on to do tonight, you’ve ever watched the _Junction_ on acid?”

 

“How are you not dead?” Abby asked as Holtz sat down on the couch with a grin. 

 

"I make some potent stuff Fab-Ab and it's always juuuust enough for a buzz." Holtz replied with a grin and tossed her arm around Erin, "ain't that right killer? You just have to keep the faith I can do it." 

 

Erin smiled and gave a her light peck on the cheek, " _Petticoat Junction_ is on and shouldn't they be showing the girls?" 

 

"It's just the title credits dear." Holtz replied with a smile and bopped Erin on the nose in such a way that Patty choked on her beer. 

* * *

2 Hours Later

 

“I liked her when she was just doing the Kennedy accent, now they are making out on my bed and 3…2…1, they just started to jam.” Patty said with a sigh as she looked at the antics of  _Petticoat Junction._

 

The two lovebirds who had been making out since the announcement of Humphrey/Muskie ticket from the radio and Patty could only look on in annoyance. They then refused to stop as it was only Abby and Patty who could watch the antics of the Shady Rest, but it was hard not to turn back to the groundbreaking politics that had come from the radio and neither Abby or Patty couldn’t turn away from the TV just yet

 

“They take the concept of free love literally, so have you heard from Garett?” Abby said with a chuckle as she took a deep drag on her cigarette, smirking as the Hooterville Cannonball barreled through the changing yard.

 

“He supports McGovern and so do I. I worry if Nixon gets elected, Garett is going to come back in a body bag.”

 

“Yeah, it’s a drag he had to volunteer just so he’d avoid getting drafted.”

 

“Yeah, it’s odd that he would just volunteer to be an officer like that, he was near the cut off age for the draft but, he signed up with the Marines.”

“Yeah, that’s our Scooby.” Holtz said as she popped up for a second and looked at the other two women who were still on the couch.

 

“Holtz, bag it or pop it until tomorrow okay?” Patty said with a hiss as she finished the last of her beer and looked at her friend tiredly, it had been a long night.

 

“Sorry, do you mind if we crash? I don’t mean to—.” Erin said as she slowly rose from behind Holtz and looked at her other two friends who got up and started moving the other bed.

 

“Naw, pull that other bed and scooch over Holtzmann before you become a Holtz-sandwhich.”Patty said as she finished moving the bed from one end of the room to the other and climbed in first, glaring at Holtz.

 

“Damn it, okay doesn’t matter. You’re high, Erin’s halfway there and we all had a long night, so we just need a hug in.” Patty replied as she shoved the other twin mattress close she wouldn't fall in the night to the one , “and don’t you start with no Phyllis Diller, Holtzy.”

 

“Allllright, not tonight but I make no guarantees at three am if it’s John or Phyllis." Holtz replied with a grin as she cuddled Erin as Patty and Abby moved the bed to form a mega bed.

 

“You start quoting Phyllis Diller at three am, I’ll kill you.” Patty retorts as she gets comfortable on the mattress next to Holtz and gives her a glare, "or Lily Tomlin, I hear one ring-dingey and I'll hurl you out of this bed." 

 

“I’ll third the threat of homicide if I hear one crack about a Las Vegas lamp shade.” Abby supplied as she climbed into the end, "if you hurl Holtz it will hurt me, so no more impressions please." 

 

They all quiet down after a while and just Holtz begins to drift, she feels Erin hug her close and she can only smile. Their promise. 

 

Holtz gives her a soft kiss, brushing the rogue hairs out of the way and kisses her forehead, "I promised you this every night, a kiss to build a dream on." 

 

That was the real thing, right there. 


	4. Pride and oh c'mon Kevin, why would you do that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chance meeting for Holtzbert goes horribly, horribly wrong in the best way I could do this... ya know they meet at an IHOP and I wrote this hyped up on Energy drinks that get imported from Mexico so this is the culimnation of that effort and the taurine that coursed through my veins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you could say I was angry at this for some reason and ended up feeling more crack than I intended, which if I’m honest is 92.673% of what I write… hehe enjoy a burger or um, pancakes with this umm yeah I blame the taurine and lack of sleep from May until July, night all and I had to get this published sooner than later.

 

 “Holtzmann, why did you drag me to an iHOP?” Patty asked as she slid into the booth and glared at her whiz of a friend who had some frizz on a wig, “didn’t you get the girl’s number at Starbusters, emphasis on the bust. We stood all day out there and you get ten phone numbers at the parade? Hook up with one and move on, what's wrong, you’re thinking.

“Okay, so remember the girl I was telling you about when I was stoned out of my gourd?” Holtz asked as she settled in and kicked her feet up, smirking as Patty gave her a glare, “she had a bisexual pin and last time I was here, I think she was flirting-.”

“Feet down, tell me again I don’t remember and I’m getting too old for your shit. Do not tell me you re-worked the Pascal’s Wager of your dating life, once was enough. ” Patty said with a heavy sigh and glared, a stoned Holtz or a sober one was a force to be reckoned with.

“That’s what she said.”

“Goddamn it, look I’m not looking for some floozy from Starbusters.”

“Your dressed like it, I mean Twisted Sister?”

“The wig got all frazzled in the rain.”

“And the rainbow spandex?” Patty shot back and smirked at the rainbow, black, latex bodysuit Holtzmann was rocking on this eve after the Pride parade. 

“I-I have no response, that was purely for the ladies to admire and think about this bod.” Holtz replied with a chuckle and shook the wig as she tossed it next to Patty.

“Can I take your order?” The waitress asked as she walked up with a pad and the most comfortable looking shoes that Holtz was envious of.

“The unlimited coffee please.” Patty replied as she shot Holtz a look who made a weird gesture with her fingers, Patty couldn’t decipher it.

“I’ll give you two some to look at our menu and will anyway else be joining us?” The brunette asked as she dots down the order “Kevin, he’s a court reporter and he’s running a late, so we should be ready soon for the food.”

"So, what are you looking to do? Are you ready to hang up your bachelor robe and settle for a steady relationship?"

"Abby made it clear that she has been really happy with Gertie and---

"Gertrude terrifies me, anyone who can be that good as soccer AND rugby has my healthy respect."

"Anyway, aside from that I saw she had a 'Higgs-Boson gives me a Hardon' pin on her apron, so I'll go with that apporach." 

"She could be a science nerd?"

"Lame, that is a lame excuse Patricia Harriet Tolan and we both know it."

"Jillian Marigold Holtzmann, you are bringing up the middle names, are we?"

"I hate you."

"I keep you honest, trust me you could blow up a lot of buildings without even trying. I'm the failsafe of all your friends and the tri-state area."

* * *

 2 Hours Later

“You’ve downed six cups of coffee and Kev still isn’t here, Holtz, oh man you just got ride out the caffeine now."

“We ready for the check?”

“I am a massive lesbian and have been coming to Ihop just, so I could see your face and imagine what it’d be like for you to sit on mine.” 

“Oh.”

“Hey guys, court let out a lot later than excepted and did you know sodomy is still technically a---.” Patty stopped his train of thought before it could derail the situation any further and end in disaster.

“Kevin, no.”

“Kevin yes. I’ll have the Chocolate Funny Face Pancakes, Chicken Waffles, and two sides of Onion Rings. Patty, Oh, and two stacks of Cupcake Pancakes for the Holtzerino, not a neutrino and did she know she’s single and likes brunettes?” The silence was deafening as the three of them sat/stood there until the waitress, Erin, broke the silence. “Yes.”

“God, Kevin just shut up and eat the bagel.” Patty said as she stuffed the man’s mouth with a bagel and rubbed her temples, this was a crazy Pride and she could take no more.

“My shift ends in an hour and you seem nice enough, Holtzmann. So, here’s my number and tell your friend, the bagels are on me.” The waitress said with a seductive smile.

“Jillian.”

“Jillian, I’ll tell you what ,” the waitress paused as she thought about it, “after you get over all the caffeine in your system, Abbot’s Deli.”

“Kevin.” The man said like a wounded labroador who had not seen the end of Ol' Yeller yet. 

“Kev, no buddy you have done enough for tonight.” Holtz said as she ruffled the man’s hair and smirked, “just no.”

“Kevin yes, so you would sit on her face Holtz?”

“Umm, I'll get you guys some hot coffee, more in fact." Erin said as she quickly ran off, trying to supress her giggles.

“I hate stoned you from last week, why’d you keep on the ‘Holtzmann yes’ everytime I said no.” “He’s like an innocent sponge.”

“You should use Tor to stop this, I know you can after all the cryptids research. “The Texan Chupacabra is out there and I get weird suggestions for Minion porn whilst looking for that site.” Patty said as she took a sip of her coffee and grimaced, she was tired man.

“Can I---

“NO, Kevin the answer is NO." Holtz said quickly as she particarly grabs a bagel and scarfs down yet another cup of coffee.

“I’ll get your order in.” Patty mouths a thank you as Holtzmann begins to lecture Kevin on proper social manners AGAIN. This isn’t the first time from the looks of it and Erin can only wonder what the man’s problem is as she rturns with another carafe of coffee.

* * *

 

3 Days Later

“So, you work two jobs in addition to working at iHop and you’re a Physics grad student?” Holtzmann asked as she nibbled on her Reuben sandwich and looked at Erin with a big grin, "impressive."

“Particle Physics and for the record I was in a bad relationship with this butt and it all came to a head when I told him I was bi and that I was going back to school ,” Erin replied and waited as the waiter dropped off another Coke, “He didn’t take it well that I was proud of being bisexual and wanting to go back to school? The final nail in the coffin for us.”

“His name has to be Richard.” Holtz said with a smirk as she takes Erin’s hand and smiles at the lousy joke. “Phil.”

”Richard would have been better name for such a dick like Phil and no love for his woman.”

“Oh, his nickname would be Dick. Ha, you are a funny one.” Erin said as she let out a chuckle, it was such a twnkling laugh.

"I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"Yeah, no one has liked my laugh. So, do you make it a habit to pun the worst phsyics pun know to man or- are you just a meahanic?" Erin asked with curiousioty at the woman's non spandex mechanic overalls.

“I’m a nuclear engineer with a specialty in Particle Physics, I feel Kevin stopped us from knowing that about each other.”

“He seems like a nice fellow, just blunt. Do I ask about the Minion por-." 

"NO! Sorry, Kevin is a special type of crazy that I can handle.”I teach at a community college and he failing physics for the fifteenth time there. I  took him under my wing, we’re like family.” Holtz said with a smile before she choked on her coffee, “after I – I promised Patty I WOULD NOT use him as a lab rat.”

“Yol “I’m glad. You know I was worried that going on a date with you would be crazy, but you proved me wrong, second date ideas?”

“Wanna watch me slam other girls into the wall as I compete in roller derby?” Holtz said with a smirk, “they call me Biohazard, I am a nuclear engineer after all.”

“That sounds like fun and I can kiss any bruises better.” Erin said with a lopsided grin and looked at her watch, “gotta dash off to my Physics class, see you soon.”

“Oh, you know it babe and hand feed me nacho fries from Taco Bell.”

“I look forward to it and I’ll get you the new Taco Bell kind!”


End file.
